One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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