I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
