She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Randomize
