I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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