You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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