I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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