she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
