I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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