So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i drank out of a bidet.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
