Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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