I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
