I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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