the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
