fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
