everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
