she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
