I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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