Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Randomize
