it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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