I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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