dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
