They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
