What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
