she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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