OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
