Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
