Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize