You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
