his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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