Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
