just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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