you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize