She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
