The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
