You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
