I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Randomize
