he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
