It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
