I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
