Midget sex pt 2 tonight
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
