I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Im part way to drunk.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize