i dont even know how to be here
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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