I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
