i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
