im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i already hear my dad disowning me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
