You just made me feel so damn special
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
