We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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