I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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