I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize