Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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