when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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