Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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