This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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