Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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