Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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