I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
