If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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