Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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